The Quackdoc almost loses its ‘HEAD’, Arun Swaminathan Reports.

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(All Names, incidents and institutions are real. This is not a work of fiction and must not be treated as one. No names have been changed for reasons of privacy / safety. The writer is not responsible for any of his actions despite being fully aware of his senses. No legal responsibility will be accepted by the writer in the event of something untoward happening, which he sincerely hopes to see happen. )

Mumbai:  In a highly dramatic event filled day, the likes of which have only been seen during final exam vivas, The QuackDoc’s head honcho and legendary newsman Dr.Mohit Garg agreed to stay on as CEO (Chief Entertainment Officer) after rejecting offers from some of the finest institutions in the world to work for them at a salary greater than what is being currently offered to him for his yeoman service at The QuackDoc.

Reports suggest that various iconic institutions approached him and tempting offers were made to entice him away from his current position as CEO and MD (Madness Director).

Some of the approaches and negotiations that were made were as follows-

1) Apple – The company has been in turmoil since the death of its iconic and legendary founder Steve Jobs (who used to watch Bhojpuri movies with Mohit and was a ‘close friend’). They reportedly approached Mohit with an offer that included his own office in California with 2 ‘actresses’ as his secretaries for his…daily needs, his own dabbawala service for his minimal dietary needs titled as ‘iDiet’ and his own movie production studio titled ‘iApples’, an obvious reference to his legendary fondness of apples, of the eating variety, of course. Mohit turned down the offer as he had already been asked by Jobs about it. Jobs had told him that he could have large assets during tenure as Apple chairman to which Mohit replied by removing his shirt and showing his paunch to Jobs declaring it his largest asset. Jobs reportedly died of shock with his last words being, “Oh Wow!!Wow!”

2) Google – Sergei Brin and Larry Page realized that they were inviting the greatest marketing genius of all time when they came by to offer Mohit a position on the board of Google. They offered him half of the total shares of the company, his own McDonald’s and daily sandwich jobs with his favourite employees among other benefits like a salary of 100 million $/week, a chauffeur driven truck and as many free beers as he could count daily. Mohit turned it down saying half was only 25% of shares, he preferred Jumbo King over McDonald’s, sandwich jobs with Larry and Sergei were not possible because the bed would not hold their weight, it would take a week for him to count 100 million, he preferred a royal bullock-cart driven by a 100 donkeys and he could only have 10 beers since he could not count more than that using hisfingers.

3) Arvind Kejriwal – One of his major local offers came from our very own crusader, Kejriwal,who wished to have Mohit on his team. The government of India protested saying that when Kejriwal with fasting and dharna could change so much,  what was the need to use Mohit who could safely fast for a year at least? They greatly feared the results of a year long fast from Mohit, which while highly anticipated, would be very lethal since national food reserves would double and cause a sharp drop in food prices. They claimed that this would cause financial instability and collapse of many institutions. Mohit declined Kejriwal’s offer claiming that government stability was important for security and he could bring down the government or any other institution any time he wanted to by standing on top of their buildings.

 4) WikiLeaks – Impressed by his insightful and fearless reporting, WikiLeaks leader Julian Assange offered Mohit the job he himself held via video chat from London where he is being held for ‘rape’. He offered to teach Mohit the latest techniques for espionage and electronic surveillance and Yoga and diet techniques for personal use. Mohit declined because he thought Assange was trying to fool him by offering to teach a technique that is impossible to master like Kung-fu dragon fireballs or Nuclear Reactor technology. Mohit had tried every diet on Wikipedia and the internet and had come to the realization that weight loss diets were as effective as asking ortho professors to rate students on the basis of knowledge rather than looks.

 5) Tata Group – The final offer for Mohit came from the famous Tata Group. Ratan Tata himself offered to guide Mohit in his first 2 years of employment before Mr.Tata retired to ensure a smooth transition. Mohit refused the job because Tata group served only 2 types of vada-pav in its canteens and not the 8-9 types that Mohit wanted.

Officials at LTMMC and LTMGH spoke off the record to this reporter and expressed regret that Dr.Garg had not taken up any of the offers made to him. They were worried that he would pursue news writing and eating with more enthusiasm, as if it were needed. Dr. Garg himself told us his reasons for staying on. As he very astutely put it, ” It is my undying love for this campus, its people and all that it holds that keeps me here. The large beautiful clean buildings, spacious living quarters, healthy and friendly people, large salary of Rs.2000 and easily available high quality canteen food that will hold me here forever. But most importantly, it is the helpful and friendly librarian who keeps me from leaving. One smile from that face and it wipes away all your pain and fears.”

This reporter wishes Dr.Garg many more happy, healthy and hungry years at LTMGH and shares Dr.Garg’s large appetite…for life, of course. Thank you for your work and support, Dr.Garg. We all love you, Mohit. Keep up your inspiring work and continue to inspire your followers. May ‘The Stomach that walks’ continue to give us courage and fight for freedom for many more years to come.

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