Mumbai: In a groundbreaking study that has sent shockwaves through the medical community, a recent report has found that the happiness quotient of surgeons in corporate hospitals is inversely proportional to the number of cases performed by another surgeon in the same specialty—the more cases your colleague does, the unhappier you are, and vice versa.
It is a well-known fact that surgeons in such setups are often far more invested in their colleague’s OT list than their own. Multiple sources confirm that a significant portion of the working day is spent discreetly tracking which physician is referring the maximum number of surgical patients, whether admissions are originating from the OPD or the emergency, and—most critically—whether the hospital’s business development team is “favoring” a particular surgeon.
Speaking exclusively to Quackdoses, Dr. Kabhi Mat’bann™, a senior consultant who requested anonymity for fear of being described as “not aligned with organizational goals,” said,
“I am genuinely happy when my colleague does well. But when he does too well—especially mid-week—it starts affecting my sleep. Yesterday, he finished three laparoscopic cases before lunch. I couldn’t even pretend to enjoy my ward rounds. I finally slept at night only after falsely reassuring myself that numbers always balance out by month-end.”
According to the study, surgeon happiness shows a transient spike when a colleague’s elective case gets postponed or cancelled due to reasons such as “insurance approval or clearance for surgery pending,” or “non-availability of an anesthesiologist”, with the maximum spike seen when the colleague’s patient gets operated on by the surgeon himself. A sharp dip in morale was noted when a surgeon discovered that a colleague had added a “walk-in” case.
The study also revealed that surgeons check the OT list more frequently than their personal WhatsApp messages, with peak activity observed immediately after morning rounds and just before lunch.
The study concludes by recommending kapalbhati, meditation, and—where possible—avoiding the OT list of one’s colleagues altogether, while also confirming what surgeons have long suspected: peace of mind in a corporate hospital is best achieved when someone else’s case gets cancelled.
