RECIPE OF A SOAP

Firstly, for all science students, I have not discovered a new method to mix sodium ,potassium or calcium with a fatty acid to make a SOAP…..Until a few years from now, I only knew the word Serials for daily Nautanki…but the media now seems to have popularized the words DAILY SOAPS for serials. So this article is dedicated in memory of the great SOAPS that have come and gone and many which are still being aired & continue to haunt me in my dreams!

Basic ingredients to make a soap :
1)A producer with lots of extra money and guts in his ass to risk them for JUST ANOTHER TV RAMLILA.

2)One nursery ABCD alphabet book and a numerologist- to give the soap a name and a date & time to begin shooting.

3)One big SUPER RICH JOINT FAMILY, as big as you can imagine with husband, wife, brothers, sisters, mama, mami, chacha, chachi, tayaa, taayi…..every damn relation in a family that you can think of….all living together….and many more visitors ,from everywhere.

4)One female protagonist who is EKDUM PERFECT BAHU- always talks and thinks like an experienced DAADI AMMA, looks sexy in a sari….takes care of everyone and a stupid lady who prays to God for everything in her life. And God too only listen to her prayers in the family….as if he doesn’t have any more disciples.

5)One female villain (male villains are in films, at home entertainment level, we have female villains)….wicked by nature….odd sense of dressing up…big ugly bindis….does not like a peaceful house and is always planning to usurp the family property.

6)One grand grandmother played by a not so young actor…mostly bed ridden or on the wheel chair, loves the female protagonist a lot, can’t do much to save her from the acts of wickedness by the villain.

7)One tip top Naukarani, loaded with artificial jewellery and make up. Acts as a Special advisor to the villain.

8)Two- three kids to waste time showing their fights or artificial play…..as if we find them funny.

9)A sad lyricist for those sad songs and an equally sad singer….to bark on music.

10)And how can we forget the makeup man…to give them the perfect look with lipstick and mascara even if they go for a condolence meeting.

11)Other side actors to play police officers, plastic surgeons and lawyers who are required occasionally.

Method of preparation : Mix all these ingredients in whatever proportion you like, keep varying their amount from episode to episode…….show them celebrating all festivals that appears in an yearly calendar……occasionally kill a character in an accident, never show the dead body, to have him back after a few episodes with short term amnesia, or plastic surgeons working hard to give him a look which is impossible to do by we doctors…….let all this cook for a long long time and when you think its burning, TRPs falling and channel harassing the producer to be pulled out due to the people getting bored….one just needs to take 10-20 years time leaps…..till new dadiammas are trained in that house…generations after generations..finally the SOAP is ready to serve.

Garnish with long adds and serve to stupid audience who torture their kids with such nonsense running continuously at prime time……
You too can prepare your own SOAP STORY with my guidelines.

Any budding story writers reading this??

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